What the hell.

38 hours of active labor.

THIRTY EIGHT HOURS of ACTIVE LABOR.

Not that "look, she's having random contractions from time to time..."

ACTIVE LABOR. FULL BODY, THRUMMING CONTRACTIONS FOR 38 HOURS.

Gabe officially beat his sister for worst labor.

It's not me, it's you.

I came to a realization earlier tonight. That all my ex's problems... they aren't me. I'm not the cause of them. He can say I am till he's blue in the face, but in the end... his problems are of his own creation, not mine.

He blames me for his terrible work history. Says that it's because he was constantly quitting jobs to take care of me. The truth is that I often wouldn't find out he quit until after the fact, and his reasons were many and varied, only once did he lose a job on my account, and the events that led to his firing were his choice, not mine.

He blames me for his psychological issues. I don't really care anymore, in all honesty. Let him. But something that was broken before I ever messed with it isn't broken because of me.

I think, in the end, it all comes down to this -- he is terrified of commitment. He had a bad experience with his first wife. I'll admit that. She fucked him over royally. However, throughout his life, he has expected people to be perfect. To follow his ideals at all times. And when they inevitably don't, he blames them for everything that goes wrong. Thanks to his first wife, he's scared of committing to anyone, and so the two times when our relationship has reached a serious level of commitment, he has left me. I think the problem is that this time, his responsibilities are not vanishing like the wind. They're still here, and they're compounding. This time I'm not rolling over and LETTING him tell me he wont pay child support, etc. And that angers him. I think he expected me to just disappear, so he could go back to playing dnd with his friends at 2am, and forget all about his family. When that didn't happen, he blamed me for it.

If I am to accept guilt for making him accept his responsibilities, that's fine. I'll do so happily.

They will cry out, "Save us!" and I will whisper, "Blow me."

Badass

I have noticed that it seems like a lot of people in my life expect me to disappear and/or not ask anything of them, until the shit hits the fan, and then suddenly they want something from me, and I'm the selfish, evil person who wont give it to them. I feel like Rorschach.

I'm not sane. I never claimed to be. I'll be the first to admit that I'm a dark, twisted, sadistic bitch. I can point to a lot of things, all psychological nature v. nurture like, that are responsible for me being the way I am, but it doesn't matter. I am who I am. (Note to self: write a blog on your personal interpretation of that quote from the bible and what it means as far as religion goes on a personal level.)

One of the few times in history that a burning bush hasn't meant herpes.

Anyway....

The incident that spawned this snazzy little number is a phone call with my ex tonight. Suffice to say, he wants me to bend over backwards for him as far as custody/visitation of the baby I am currently carrying goes. While I don't want to start a lifetime of hate between the two of us, I'm getting sick of these demands. The people he lives with/hangs around in texas are NOT the kind of people I want around my child. Some of them have DFS/CPS reports out on them, for God's sake! But, of course, it's too much for me to ask him to keep our baby away from them. They're his friends. When I want something from him -- like... i don't know... him to keep his promises in the first goddamn place? It's too much. He was engaged to be married to me. He knew that I had psychological issues that I was trying to work out. When the shit hit the fan and I needed him to support me and help me, he abandoned me. Then he blamed me for putting him in that situation. He knew what he was getting into, so I feel no pity for him. Now, not only does he want visitation/joint custody, he doesn't want to have to pay child support. I'm asking for too much, I'm being selfish for looking out for the welfare of my child.

I guess I've just decided that I am a bitch. As much as I want people to like me, and approve of me and my actions... I just can't bring myself to care anymore. There are people in my life who have been there for me when I needed them, and people who have not. Those who have been there, I'm there for them 100%. Those who haven't, well, take a number and I'll get around to helping you if and when I goddamn feel like it.

NO U! A look at the insecurities inherent in modern motherhood.

At least 100 years ago, there was this complete douchebag. We'll call him Freud. He wrote a bunch of theories about psychology, and they pretty much all boiled down to one thing: Everything that is wrong with you is your mom's fault. Essentially, Freud thought that if your mother made any kind of mistake, even a little one, you would suffer irreparable damage and she was to blame, plus it would make you want to have sex with her.

Freud
The original Mother Fucker

Now, in our society, when someone comes up with crap this bogus, we usually ignore them. However, for some reason only men can fathom, because it's complete bullshit, the entire scientific community embraced his ideas and proliferated them like herpes.

THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS!

This has lead to our entire society taking an interesting view of motherhood. Mothers are lauded as these wonderful people -- so long as they can keep up with the demands of being an adult, woman, and mother. IK Broverman did a lovely study in which he gathered three random samples of adults. The first group was asked to select the adjectives that described a healthy, well adjusted adult. The second group was to select those that described a healthy, well adjusted man. The third - those that described a healthy, well adjusted woman. The results for men and adults in general were pretty much identical. However, the results for women were diametrically opposed, ie, it was impossible to be both a well adjusted adult and a well adjusted woman. This is the first hurdle that any mother will find herself facing, LONG before she ever accepts the mantle of motherhood, the conflict between being a woman and an adult. As an adult, I am expected to be determined and self-sufficient, but as a woman, society expects me to (and sometimes tries to force me into!!) being emotionally and physically dependent on others. So women inevitably fall into three camps - those who become what society expects them to be as adults, those who become what society expects them to be as women, or those who present a veneer for society to accept while being themselves. Women are expected to lock away their true selves and become what society wants from them, and that is why rates for depression and other mental illnesses are higher amongst women than men.

The only reason most of us make it through the day.

After a woman manages to navigate THAT minefield, be it as themselves or as what society expects them to be, they come to motherhood. This is where this sad little drama reaches its climax. Just as a woman and an adult are expected to be different
things, so too are a woman and a mother. A woman is sexy, a mother is not. A woman is taken care of, a mother takes care of others. Whereas, before, if a woman chose to be a woman, and not a well adjusted adult, that was allright, she was a woman, now a mother MUST be both. She must be attractive to her husband, but matronly to society. She must rely on her husband for everything, but her children must rely on her. Add into the mix that she's still expected to be a modern woman, who works 40 hours a week, and a mother, who cooks and cleans and cares for children full time, and a recipe for disaster begins.


The only woman in recorded history with enough appendages to actually do this shit.
Note that she is a goddess of death and destruction. Coincidence? I think not.

However women and girls have found an outlet for all this pain and suffering, and it's the worst outlet possible -- each other. Every bit of insecurity we feel is, instead of being dealt with in a calm, healthy manner, because women can't do that, it is instead turned into nastiness that we use to make OTHER women around us feel more insecure. And there is no easier way to do that than to criticize another's choices in regards to her children. This is why so many issues of child rearing turn into huge debates (read: internet arguments).

In fact, these arguments are so predictable that we're going to play a FUN GAME! Select one of the numbers from the list below:

1) A. Breastfeeding B. Formula Feeding
2) A. Formual Feeding B. Breast Feeding
3) A. Natural Child Birth B. Medically Assisted Childbirth
4) A. Medically Assisted Childbirth B. Natural Child Birth
5) A. Circumcision B. No Circumcision
6) A. No Circumcision B. Circumcision
7) A. Spanking B. No Spanking
8) A. No Spanking B. Spanking
9) A. Co-Sleeping B. Own Bed
10) A. Own Bed B. Co-Sleeping

Funny how they're all opposites of each other.

Now, take the A and B from whichever one you chose...

And put them in the image below!

Isn't it funny how they act and react the same EVERY TIME? It's because this drama actually has VERY LITTLE to do with the debate at hand. Women are by nature insecure, thanks to what we must endure in society on a daily basis. So, naturally, when a woman begins to discuss an option other than the one we have decided is right for us and our family, we feel invalidated, as if judgement is being cast on us for choosing something different. We lash out at each other. The options above are only ones I thought of off the top of my head. Now, I'll tell you ladies now, I am a mom who is going for an epidural, going to formula feed, I'm not going to circumcise my son, I will spank his ass, and he can sleep in his own bed. In all honesty... I don't give a shit what you are choosing for your children. I think you should choose what is best for you and your child, not what some crackpot on the internet told you.

Tell me I'm wrong. I just have one thing to say to that:

If men had to carry and deliver the babies....

... maternity leave would last from when you saw the two pink lines on the pee stick until the child moved out at 18. You would get 100% of your pay and qualify for all government benefits.

... childbirth would be completely painless, and streamlined.

... maternity fashions would be FASHIONS not Mumus.

comment with your own, i'm tired XP

Top 10 things for your husband to do while you are in labor.

We all know that sometimes (read: All the time) men are stupid. So here's a list of the top 10 things for them to do while you are in labor pushing out your baby, since he will be no help whatsoever.

10. Do the world's largest crossword.

Seeing as he has little grasp of the english language, (Why else couldn't he understand why you were angry when he said you were getting 'big' when you were 7 months pregnant?) this will make his head hurt as much as the contractions hurt you. Plus, watching him become very confused over words like 'epidural' and 'divorce attorney' will add some much needed levity to your hospital room.

9. Learn to cook.

Note: there is nothing wrong with you if you consider the above image porn.

You heard me right. Learn to cook. You're going to be so busy once the baby is born doing things like resisting the urge to kill your husband and resisting the urge to castrate him that you wont have time for things like cooking. So if he wants to make those urges easier to resist, it is suggested he learn how to cook. And quickly.

8. Plan a vacation for himself and your older children.

Once the baby is born, you are no longer going to have patience for his shenanigans, or for the shenanigans of your older hellspawn. So perhaps he aught to take them on a lovely vacation, preferably to somewhere as far the fuck away from you as possible. He can teach your older children fun new words like "dinero" and "l'immigracion", words that will be so important at their lovely new destination, that is as far from your path of wanton destruction as it can be.

7. Get a second job.

You need money. The new baby needs money. You and the baby need money for things like birth control instead of a 'Falcon Punch Vasectomy', and for the diamonds he'd better be buying for you after you give birth. A second job will help him do that. Plus, it will get him out of your hair while you're doing important things like calling the divorce attorney or shopping for clothes.

6. Get plastic surgery.

Seriously. After pushing out a baby there's no way I'd let a man with a belly button vagina back into my house. But that guy... I might even be nice to him.

5. Clean the House.

Note: You are normal if you consider this image porn, too.

This one falls right in with the learning to cook. Plus, if you come home to a clean house after the delivery, and he got the plastic surgery (i mean, he was in a hospital anyway...) you might let him into the house, you might even let him be seen with you in public!

4. Sneak Contraband food into the hospital for you.

While your husband may be annoying, there is one group of people who are actually more annoying than he is -- the hospital staff. And the one thing that annoys me most is their refusal to let you eat. While you're in labor in the hospital, no matter how hungry you are, they'll refuse you food. What to do? Make that layabout who got you pregnant into a smuggler to rival someone in the cocaine business, and send him out for the goods. I will tell you now, the one thing that my ex did right was sneak Burger King into the hospital for me in the middle of the night while the nurses weren't looking.

3. Call your family.

Also more annoying than your husband -- Your family. They are going to want constant updates, so you can also employ him to run phone interference. Your mother is going to call 15 times a day, and she is going to want to come see you. But you know she is not going to take no for an answer from you, and will guilt the hell out of you for it. So make your husband say no to her. I mean, she hates him already anyway.

2. Disappear.

No really. He should just freaking disappear for a few hours. Some men aren't helpful, and rage often helps you focus. Tell him to leave, and then be mad at him for being gone. You will be SO PISSED at him, you wont notice or fight your painful contractions. Then when he shows up with fast food at 2am while the nurses aren't looking and you stuff yourself, you'll be farther along and the food will allow you to forgive him (temporarily).
1. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

The one thing he can do is just shut up. Most men are too stupid for this one, but every once in a while you find a rare gem who can. The number one thing men do wrong while you're in labor is open their mouth with stupid comments that prove that they know nothing about it. I recall at one point when I was in terrible pain, my nurse asked if I was ok and he said "Oh, she's fine. It's not really pain, it's just pressure." I broke his pinky for that one.

RANT: NCB Nazi FTMS

***NOTE: This post is going to contain some pretty graphic language and descriptions of some pretty unpleasant birth stories. There's also going to be excessive use of the Caps Lock key from time to time. Please do not read unless you are truly prepared.***

All right, every last one of you natural child birth, exclusively breast feeding, holier-than-thou first time moms. The time has come for your wakeup call, because I am so fucking sick of your BULLSHIT.

The first thing you need to realize is that you have NO FUCKING CLUE what you're talking about. I'm serious. You can tell me all about your research. Feel free! There's a serious difference between knowing something academically, and knowing it from experience. There's a reason most languages have TWO DIFFERENT VERBS for the different kinds of knowing. You have no clue what you're talking about, and I am goddamn sick of you spouting off at the mouth.

I was just like you. Two and a half years ago, when I was starting the third trimester with my DD? Yeah, I was you. I was a stuck up, holier-than-thou, NCB/EBF NAZI. I had done all kinds of research, had loads of books and experts I could reference, and I was so sure I knew better. Then my daughter's birth actually happened, and I switched from knowing academically to actually fucking KNOWING.

I was in labor with my daughter for 30 hours. Yes, that's right. THIRTY. I was induced. So I got to be STRAPPED TO A FUCKING BED and pumped full of PITOCIN until she decided to make her grand entrance. And even then, even then I told myself I was going to not take any pain medication, because that would be bad for my daughter.

Let me ask you this, ladies. Have you ever had a period cramp so bad you can't walk? Have you ever had one so bad that they admitted you to the emergency room and gave you pain meds because they thought something was wrong? I have. THAT SHIT WAS NOTHING COMPARED TO LABOR CONTRACTIONS. Think about that really hard for a second. Nevermind, you wont, you're too self-important to realize how stupid you are, and I'm probably wasting my breath, but I'll keep talking anyway. So think about this: The worst pain you have ever felt in your life is a walk in the fucking park compared to a labor contraction. THE PAIN IS LEGENDARY. On that 1-10 scale they have you give at the hospital? yeah, the pain of a labor contraction is over 9000.



After you have a labor contraction, YOU WILL NO LONGER SAY THAT BROKEN NAIL IS A TEN, YOU PANSY. After I had my daughter I was in a car accident and when they asked me about my pain I said I was at a 2. The doctors were just going to send me home but then the nurse was like "Wait in her file it says she had a baby, ask her about her pain EXCLUDING THE CHILDBIRTH." and I was like "an 8." SURE ENOUGH I NEEDED MEDICAL CARE.

So, after I labored for 26 hours strapped to a bed in my OWN PERSONAL HELL, I finally caved and asked for a goddamn epidural because I was only dilated to a 4 and they were discussing going emergency c-section. I HAD MY BABY A FEW HOURS LATER. Why? BECAUSE THE EPIDURAL IS A FUCKING GODSEND, BITCHES. It is not 'bad for baby'. It doesn't make your birth experience 'artificial'. It doesn't 'take away from the birth'. You're just too FUCKING Stupid to know what the fuck you're talking about, and the people who spout that shit are the few that had a bad epidural. If you have 5 friends who have the same car, and you're thinking about buying one, and 4 friends say 'that shit is great!' and a freaking independent car study says 'that shit is great!' and then that one friend says 'i freaking hated it'. Are you REALLY going to think that car is a terrible car because one person said it was shit? THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING WITH THE EPIDURAL, DUMBASS!

My OB saw how much pain i was in and he said 'I know you've heard a lot about how 100 years ago, women didn't have the epidural. Think about it this way. 100 years ago, if you wanted to visit someone who lived 10 miles away, you walked those 10 miles. Now, we have a car. Are you really going to walk those 10 miles when there's a car right there?'

I TOOK THE FUCKING CAR AND I AM GOING TO TAKE THE FUCKING CAR AGAIN. BECAUSE WHAT THEY DON'T TELL YOU IS THAT YOU'RE WALKING THOSE TEN MILES OVER BROKEN GLASS AND HOT COALS, AND THE CAR IS A FUCKING LIMO WITH CHAMPAGNE AND MALE SUPERMODELS IN THE BACK, AND THAT THE MALE SUPERMODELS ARE ALL RICH AND LONELY AND WANT YOU TO BE THEIR QUEEN. BECAUSE THEY'RE ALSO PRINCES OF A FOREIGN COUNTRY AND WANT TO MARRY YOU TOO SO YOU CAN BE QUEEN OF THEIR COUNTRY AND BE WORSHIPPED FOR FREAKING EVER AND HAVE WONDERFUL THINGS.

Now... one other thing... you may say 'but you were so close to having an NCB all the way' Because you're stupid and don't understand how far it is from 4cm to 10. I will therefor tell you about my mother's best friend who had her baby in march. She was in the same situation I was in, getting an induction with her first child. She wanted NCB, and she forced the issue, and refused the epidural to help herself relax and dialate. She now has PTSD, and doesn't remember her baby's birth. Why? BECAUSE SHE HAD TO HAVE AN EMERGENCY C-SECTION. She wasn't dilating, and the baby started to crash after 36 hours. So she said to the doctor "I don't care what you have to do, save my baby." They ended up having to give her a c-section... WITHOUT PAIN MEDS. Think about that for a second. The last memory she has of the birth is the nurse clinging to her hand and saying to the doctor "Oh god she's going to feel it." The next thing she remembers is laying in a hospital bed with her husband holding their newborn. She was concious for the whole thing. She watched the video, and she's screaming the whole time. She burned the video because she doesn't want to remember that shit. So think about that when you're babbling on and on in your little self-righteous way about your NCB. Think about what could happen if you don't trust your fucking doctors.

While we're on it -- People not trusting a fucking doctor. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? I am well aware that my pregnancy is not a disaster waiting to happen, so is my OB. However, because he is capable of dealing with the worst case scenario in my birth, you think that he's some sweeney todd with a scalpel cackling madly and waiting for the first sign of something wrong to slice me open and pull my baby out like a sacrifice to the dark god Ba'al.


Not interested in your baby.

Really folks. It's like the second you get pregnant you all turn into christian scientists (no offense to christian scientists) and use old wive's tales over medical fact. 100 years ago the death rate for mothers and infants during childbirth was a lot higher, and there's a goddamn reason. So how about you shut your fucking mouth, and listen to the guy who went to school for 12 years so that he make sure both you and your baby are healthy, instead of the hippy chick who went to school for 3-4 years and think she knows everything. Yes, for most pregnancies, the 12 years of medical school aren't necessary. HOWEVER, how the fuck will you know if they are or not unless you fucking get medical care to be sure. The hippy bitch doesn't have access to an ultrasound machine. She's not going to monitor your symptoms as closely. You're dumb. And you're risking too much. And after your baby's born, why don't you rub oil on his skin to help his GERD. stupid bitch.

Suffice to say, I'm running out of RAGE. So I may come back and update this later. Right now my baby wants me to go eat something, and then I'm going to go watch tv and laugh about how when I go into labor my doctor is going to jack my back and i'm going to get in the fucking car with the sexy prince-supermodels while you ladies trudge over the broken glass and make martyrs of yourselves for a reason no one gives a shit about anymore.