All right, every last one of you natural child birth, exclusively breast feeding, holier-than-thou first time moms. The time has come for your wakeup call, because I am so fucking sick of your BULLSHIT.
The first thing you need to realize is that you have NO FUCKING CLUE what you're talking about. I'm serious. You can tell me all about your research. Feel free! There's a serious difference between knowing something academically, and knowing it from experience. There's a reason most languages have TWO DIFFERENT VERBS for the different kinds of knowing. You have no clue what you're talking about, and I am goddamn sick of you spouting off at the mouth.
I was just like you. Two and a half years ago, when I was starting the third trimester with my DD? Yeah, I was you. I was a stuck up, holier-than-thou, NCB/EBF NAZI. I had done all kinds of research, had loads of books and experts I could reference, and I was so sure I knew better. Then my daughter's birth actually happened, and I switched from knowing academically to actually fucking KNOWING.
I was in labor with my daughter for 30 hours. Yes, that's right. THIRTY. I was induced. So I got to be STRAPPED TO A FUCKING BED and pumped full of PITOCIN until she decided to make her grand entrance. And even then, even then I told myself I was going to not take any pain medication, because that would be bad for my daughter.
Let me ask you this, ladies. Have you ever had a period cramp so bad you can't walk? Have you ever had one so bad that they admitted you to the emergency room and gave you pain meds because they thought something was wrong? I have. THAT SHIT WAS NOTHING COMPARED TO LABOR CONTRACTIONS. Think about that really hard for a second. Nevermind, you wont, you're too self-important to realize how stupid you are, and I'm probably wasting my breath, but I'll keep talking anyway. So think about this: The worst pain you have ever felt in your life is a walk in the fucking park compared to a labor contraction. THE PAIN IS LEGENDARY. On that 1-10 scale they have you give at the hospital? yeah, the pain of a labor contraction is over 9000.
After you have a labor contraction, YOU WILL NO LONGER SAY THAT BROKEN NAIL IS A TEN, YOU PANSY. After I had my daughter I was in a car accident and when they asked me about my pain I said I was at a 2. The doctors were just going to send me home but then the nurse was like "Wait in her file it says she had a baby, ask her about her pain EXCLUDING THE CHILDBIRTH." and I was like "an 8." SURE ENOUGH I NEEDED MEDICAL CARE.
So, after I labored for 26 hours strapped to a bed in my OWN PERSONAL HELL, I finally caved and asked for a goddamn epidural because I was only dilated to a 4 and they were discussing going emergency c-section. I HAD MY BABY A FEW HOURS LATER. Why? BECAUSE THE EPIDURAL IS A FUCKING GODSEND, BITCHES. It is not 'bad for baby'. It doesn't make your birth experience 'artificial'. It doesn't 'take away from the birth'. You're just too FUCKING Stupid to know what the fuck you're talking about, and the people who spout that shit are the few that had a bad epidural. If you have 5 friends who have the same car, and you're thinking about buying one, and 4 friends say 'that shit is great!' and a freaking independent car study says 'that shit is great!' and then that one friend says 'i freaking hated it'. Are you REALLY going to think that car is a terrible car because one person said it was shit? THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING WITH THE EPIDURAL, DUMBASS!
My OB saw how much pain i was in and he said 'I know you've heard a lot about how 100 years ago, women didn't have the epidural. Think about it this way. 100 years ago, if you wanted to visit someone who lived 10 miles away, you walked those 10 miles. Now, we have a car. Are you really going to walk those 10 miles when there's a car right there?'
I TOOK THE FUCKING CAR AND I AM GOING TO TAKE THE FUCKING CAR AGAIN. BECAUSE WHAT THEY DON'T TELL YOU IS THAT YOU'RE WALKING THOSE TEN MILES OVER BROKEN GLASS AND HOT COALS, AND THE CAR IS A FUCKING LIMO WITH CHAMPAGNE AND MALE SUPERMODELS IN THE BACK, AND THAT THE MALE SUPERMODELS ARE ALL RICH AND LONELY AND WANT YOU TO BE THEIR QUEEN. BECAUSE THEY'RE ALSO PRINCES OF A FOREIGN COUNTRY AND WANT TO MARRY YOU TOO SO YOU CAN BE QUEEN OF THEIR COUNTRY AND BE WORSHIPPED FOR FREAKING EVER AND HAVE WONDERFUL THINGS.
Now... one other thing... you may say 'but you were so close to having an NCB all the way' Because you're stupid and don't understand how far it is from 4cm to 10. I will therefor tell you about my mother's best friend who had her baby in march. She was in the same situation I was in, getting an induction with her first child. She wanted NCB, and she forced the issue, and refused the epidural to help herself relax and dialate. She now has PTSD, and doesn't remember her baby's birth. Why? BECAUSE SHE HAD TO HAVE AN EMERGENCY C-SECTION. She wasn't dilating, and the baby started to crash after 36 hours. So she said to the doctor "I don't care what you have to do, save my baby." They ended up having to give her a c-section... WITHOUT PAIN MEDS. Think about that for a second. The last memory she has of the birth is the nurse clinging to her hand and saying to the doctor "Oh god she's going to feel it." The next thing she remembers is laying in a hospital bed with her husband holding their newborn. She was concious for the whole thing. She watched the video, and she's screaming the whole time. She burned the video because she doesn't want to remember that shit. So think about that when you're babbling on and on in your little self-righteous way about your NCB. Think about what could happen if you don't trust your fucking doctors.
While we're on it -- People not trusting a fucking doctor. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? I am well aware that my pregnancy is not a disaster waiting to happen, so is my OB. However, because he is capable of dealing with the worst case scenario in my birth, you think that he's some sweeney todd with a scalpel cackling madly and waiting for the first sign of something wrong to slice me open and pull my baby out like a sacrifice to the dark god Ba'al.
Really folks. It's like the second you get pregnant you all turn into christian scientists (no offense to christian scientists) and use old wive's tales over medical fact. 100 years ago the death rate for mothers and infants during childbirth was a lot higher, and there's a goddamn reason. So how about you shut your fucking mouth, and listen to the guy who went to school for 12 years so that he make sure both you and your baby are healthy, instead of the hippy chick who went to school for 3-4 years and think she knows everything. Yes, for most pregnancies, the 12 years of medical school aren't necessary. HOWEVER, how the fuck will you know if they are or not unless you fucking get medical care to be sure. The hippy bitch doesn't have access to an ultrasound machine. She's not going to monitor your symptoms as closely. You're dumb. And you're risking too much. And after your baby's born, why don't you rub oil on his skin to help his GERD. stupid bitch.
Suffice to say, I'm running out of RAGE. So I may come back and update this later. Right now my baby wants me to go eat something, and then I'm going to go watch tv and laugh about how when I go into labor my doctor is going to jack my back and i'm going to get in the fucking car with the sexy prince-supermodels while you ladies trudge over the broken glass and make martyrs of yourselves for a reason no one gives a shit about anymore.
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