It's not me, it's you.

I came to a realization earlier tonight. That all my ex's problems... they aren't me. I'm not the cause of them. He can say I am till he's blue in the face, but in the end... his problems are of his own creation, not mine.

He blames me for his terrible work history. Says that it's because he was constantly quitting jobs to take care of me. The truth is that I often wouldn't find out he quit until after the fact, and his reasons were many and varied, only once did he lose a job on my account, and the events that led to his firing were his choice, not mine.

He blames me for his psychological issues. I don't really care anymore, in all honesty. Let him. But something that was broken before I ever messed with it isn't broken because of me.

I think, in the end, it all comes down to this -- he is terrified of commitment. He had a bad experience with his first wife. I'll admit that. She fucked him over royally. However, throughout his life, he has expected people to be perfect. To follow his ideals at all times. And when they inevitably don't, he blames them for everything that goes wrong. Thanks to his first wife, he's scared of committing to anyone, and so the two times when our relationship has reached a serious level of commitment, he has left me. I think the problem is that this time, his responsibilities are not vanishing like the wind. They're still here, and they're compounding. This time I'm not rolling over and LETTING him tell me he wont pay child support, etc. And that angers him. I think he expected me to just disappear, so he could go back to playing dnd with his friends at 2am, and forget all about his family. When that didn't happen, he blamed me for it.

If I am to accept guilt for making him accept his responsibilities, that's fine. I'll do so happily.

They will cry out, "Save us!" and I will whisper, "Blow me."

Badass

I have noticed that it seems like a lot of people in my life expect me to disappear and/or not ask anything of them, until the shit hits the fan, and then suddenly they want something from me, and I'm the selfish, evil person who wont give it to them. I feel like Rorschach.

I'm not sane. I never claimed to be. I'll be the first to admit that I'm a dark, twisted, sadistic bitch. I can point to a lot of things, all psychological nature v. nurture like, that are responsible for me being the way I am, but it doesn't matter. I am who I am. (Note to self: write a blog on your personal interpretation of that quote from the bible and what it means as far as religion goes on a personal level.)

One of the few times in history that a burning bush hasn't meant herpes.

Anyway....

The incident that spawned this snazzy little number is a phone call with my ex tonight. Suffice to say, he wants me to bend over backwards for him as far as custody/visitation of the baby I am currently carrying goes. While I don't want to start a lifetime of hate between the two of us, I'm getting sick of these demands. The people he lives with/hangs around in texas are NOT the kind of people I want around my child. Some of them have DFS/CPS reports out on them, for God's sake! But, of course, it's too much for me to ask him to keep our baby away from them. They're his friends. When I want something from him -- like... i don't know... him to keep his promises in the first goddamn place? It's too much. He was engaged to be married to me. He knew that I had psychological issues that I was trying to work out. When the shit hit the fan and I needed him to support me and help me, he abandoned me. Then he blamed me for putting him in that situation. He knew what he was getting into, so I feel no pity for him. Now, not only does he want visitation/joint custody, he doesn't want to have to pay child support. I'm asking for too much, I'm being selfish for looking out for the welfare of my child.

I guess I've just decided that I am a bitch. As much as I want people to like me, and approve of me and my actions... I just can't bring myself to care anymore. There are people in my life who have been there for me when I needed them, and people who have not. Those who have been there, I'm there for them 100%. Those who haven't, well, take a number and I'll get around to helping you if and when I goddamn feel like it.

NO U! A look at the insecurities inherent in modern motherhood.

At least 100 years ago, there was this complete douchebag. We'll call him Freud. He wrote a bunch of theories about psychology, and they pretty much all boiled down to one thing: Everything that is wrong with you is your mom's fault. Essentially, Freud thought that if your mother made any kind of mistake, even a little one, you would suffer irreparable damage and she was to blame, plus it would make you want to have sex with her.

Freud
The original Mother Fucker

Now, in our society, when someone comes up with crap this bogus, we usually ignore them. However, for some reason only men can fathom, because it's complete bullshit, the entire scientific community embraced his ideas and proliferated them like herpes.

THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS!

This has lead to our entire society taking an interesting view of motherhood. Mothers are lauded as these wonderful people -- so long as they can keep up with the demands of being an adult, woman, and mother. IK Broverman did a lovely study in which he gathered three random samples of adults. The first group was asked to select the adjectives that described a healthy, well adjusted adult. The second group was to select those that described a healthy, well adjusted man. The third - those that described a healthy, well adjusted woman. The results for men and adults in general were pretty much identical. However, the results for women were diametrically opposed, ie, it was impossible to be both a well adjusted adult and a well adjusted woman. This is the first hurdle that any mother will find herself facing, LONG before she ever accepts the mantle of motherhood, the conflict between being a woman and an adult. As an adult, I am expected to be determined and self-sufficient, but as a woman, society expects me to (and sometimes tries to force me into!!) being emotionally and physically dependent on others. So women inevitably fall into three camps - those who become what society expects them to be as adults, those who become what society expects them to be as women, or those who present a veneer for society to accept while being themselves. Women are expected to lock away their true selves and become what society wants from them, and that is why rates for depression and other mental illnesses are higher amongst women than men.

The only reason most of us make it through the day.

After a woman manages to navigate THAT minefield, be it as themselves or as what society expects them to be, they come to motherhood. This is where this sad little drama reaches its climax. Just as a woman and an adult are expected to be different
things, so too are a woman and a mother. A woman is sexy, a mother is not. A woman is taken care of, a mother takes care of others. Whereas, before, if a woman chose to be a woman, and not a well adjusted adult, that was allright, she was a woman, now a mother MUST be both. She must be attractive to her husband, but matronly to society. She must rely on her husband for everything, but her children must rely on her. Add into the mix that she's still expected to be a modern woman, who works 40 hours a week, and a mother, who cooks and cleans and cares for children full time, and a recipe for disaster begins.


The only woman in recorded history with enough appendages to actually do this shit.
Note that she is a goddess of death and destruction. Coincidence? I think not.

However women and girls have found an outlet for all this pain and suffering, and it's the worst outlet possible -- each other. Every bit of insecurity we feel is, instead of being dealt with in a calm, healthy manner, because women can't do that, it is instead turned into nastiness that we use to make OTHER women around us feel more insecure. And there is no easier way to do that than to criticize another's choices in regards to her children. This is why so many issues of child rearing turn into huge debates (read: internet arguments).

In fact, these arguments are so predictable that we're going to play a FUN GAME! Select one of the numbers from the list below:

1) A. Breastfeeding B. Formula Feeding
2) A. Formual Feeding B. Breast Feeding
3) A. Natural Child Birth B. Medically Assisted Childbirth
4) A. Medically Assisted Childbirth B. Natural Child Birth
5) A. Circumcision B. No Circumcision
6) A. No Circumcision B. Circumcision
7) A. Spanking B. No Spanking
8) A. No Spanking B. Spanking
9) A. Co-Sleeping B. Own Bed
10) A. Own Bed B. Co-Sleeping

Funny how they're all opposites of each other.

Now, take the A and B from whichever one you chose...

And put them in the image below!

Isn't it funny how they act and react the same EVERY TIME? It's because this drama actually has VERY LITTLE to do with the debate at hand. Women are by nature insecure, thanks to what we must endure in society on a daily basis. So, naturally, when a woman begins to discuss an option other than the one we have decided is right for us and our family, we feel invalidated, as if judgement is being cast on us for choosing something different. We lash out at each other. The options above are only ones I thought of off the top of my head. Now, I'll tell you ladies now, I am a mom who is going for an epidural, going to formula feed, I'm not going to circumcise my son, I will spank his ass, and he can sleep in his own bed. In all honesty... I don't give a shit what you are choosing for your children. I think you should choose what is best for you and your child, not what some crackpot on the internet told you.

Tell me I'm wrong. I just have one thing to say to that: