10. Do the world's largest crossword.
Seeing as he has little grasp of the english language, (Why else couldn't he understand why you were angry when he said you were getting 'big' when you were 7 months pregnant?) this will make his head hurt as much as the contractions hurt you. Plus, watching him become very confused over words like 'epidural' and 'divorce attorney' will add some much needed levity to your hospital room.
9. Learn to cook.
Note: there is nothing wrong with you if you consider the above image porn.
You heard me right. Learn to cook. You're going to be so busy once the baby is born doing things like resisting the urge to kill your husband and resisting the urge to castrate him that you wont have time for things like cooking. So if he wants to make those urges easier to resist, it is suggested he learn how to cook. And quickly.
8. Plan a vacation for himself and your older children.
Once the baby is born, you are no longer going to have patience for his shenanigans, or for the shenanigans of your older hellspawn. So perhaps he aught to take them on a lovely vacation, preferably to somewhere as far the fuck away from you as possible. He can teach your older children fun new words like "dinero" and "l'immigracion", words that will be so important at their lovely new destination, that is as far from your path of wanton destruction as it can be.
7. Get a second job.
You need money. The new baby needs money. You and the baby need money for things like birth control instead of a 'Falcon Punch Vasectomy', and for the diamonds he'd better be buying for you after you give birth. A second job will help him do that. Plus, it will get him out of your hair while you're doing important things like calling the divorce attorney or shopping for clothes.
6. Get plastic surgery.
Seriously. After pushing out a baby there's no way I'd let a man with a belly button vagina back into my house. But that guy... I might even be nice to him.
5. Clean the House.
Note: You are normal if you consider this image porn, too.
This one falls right in with the learning to cook. Plus, if you come home to a clean house after the delivery, and he got the plastic surgery (i mean, he was in a hospital anyway...) you might let him into the house, you might even let him be seen with you in public!
4. Sneak Contraband food into the hospital for you.
While your husband may be annoying, there is one group of people who are actually more annoying than he is -- the hospital staff. And the one thing that annoys me most is their refusal to let you eat. While you're in labor in the hospital, no matter how hungry you are, they'll refuse you food. What to do? Make that layabout who got you pregnant into a smuggler to rival someone in the cocaine business, and send him out for the goods. I will tell you now, the one thing that my ex did right was sneak Burger King into the hospital for me in the middle of the night while the nurses weren't looking.
3. Call your family.
Also more annoying than your husband -- Your family. They are going to want constant updates, so you can also employ him to run phone interference. Your mother is going to call 15 times a day, and she is going to want to come see you. But you know she is not going to take no for an answer from you, and will guilt the hell out of you for it. So make your husband say no to her. I mean, she hates him already anyway.
2. Disappear.
No really. He should just freaking disappear for a few hours. Some men aren't helpful, and rage often helps you focus. Tell him to leave, and then be mad at him for being gone. You will be SO PISSED at him, you wont notice or fight your painful contractions. Then when he shows up with fast food at 2am while the nurses aren't looking and you stuff yourself, you'll be farther along and the food will allow you to forgive him (temporarily).
1. SHUT THE FUCK UP.
The one thing he can do is just shut up. Most men are too stupid for this one, but every once in a while you find a rare gem who can. The number one thing men do wrong while you're in labor is open their mouth with stupid comments that prove that they know nothing about it. I recall at one point when I was in terrible pain, my nurse asked if I was ok and he said "Oh, she's fine. It's not really pain, it's just pressure." I broke his pinky for that one.
No comments:
Post a Comment